A Confession . . . Please Don't Tell My Husband

Ok, so as I have been losing weight my husband has repeatedly asked if he should be "worried" about my new interest in my physical appearance. In every article that talks about signs of cheating in a marriage, sudden weight loss/renewed focus on appearance is always one of the signs. And I have repeatedly maintained that the only person I am losing weight for is ME. Which is completely true. 100%. I am not losing weight for anyone else - you could say I have started a love affair with myself again and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon!

However, I would be disingenuous if I didn't acknowledge that I do enjoy the new attention I have received from people at work. Men and women. I like it when people notice that I am looking better and dressing nicer. I like actually feeling like I am attractive to men again. It had been so crazy long since I had been hit on, I forgot what that felt like. As I type this, I feel silly. It sounds like I am getting hit on all the time or something and that's not true. There have been a few instances but the funny thing is, I don't think the guys even realize that I have lost weight. Which brings me to my most recent re-revelation: most men are mindless puppets, cued in almost exclusively to women's physical appearance. It's obnoxious. They never would have showed any interest when I weighed more but now suddenly I am worthy of attention? And I would wager that as I lose more weight, I will become more interesting to them.

So there it is, that's my confession. I like the attention but I feel like I am 16 again, enjoying attention from boys but knowing that the only thing that has "earned" me their attention is my physical appearance. And funny enough, at the end of the day, it makes me appreciate, love and respect my husband even more. He loved me when I was thinner, when I was bigger, the way I am right now and whatever way I end up. I know this won't change. Our love has a foundation that goes far beyond physical appearance and society's standards of "beauty." We legitimately share a love that other people would give everything to have and it's not something I would trade in for empty attention, ever.

~C

New Number . . . 10

Just before Christmas I actually made it down 32 lbs (woefully I have gained 2 lbs back but boy the holiday treats were good! :) ). While I was out Christmas shopping, I stopped at Ross to pick up a couple of things. I looked through the jeans, hoping to find another pair and I ended up taking a size 10 and a size 12 into the dressing room. I decided to try on the size 10 first and miraculously the jeans fit! Now I am sure that not every pair of 10s would fit, but I am pretty stoked about the new size. Now, back on track after the holiday!

~C

30 Pounds Down

Seriously - I am shocked. I never imagined that I would be able to accomplish losing 30 lbs in 4 1/2 months. I keep expecting to hit a plateau and become stuck without adding exercise to my weekly routine. But so far, the weight loss is a direct result of watching my food intake. That's it. I didn't count calories in the beginning because that was too much for me to think about when I was trying to make such a big change in how I was eating. I simply chose foods that I knew were higher in protein, and overall lower in calories, sugar and fat. As I have progressed, however, it has become easier for me to actually research caloric intake and figure that I can safely lose 1-2 lbs per week by consuming between 1,200 and 1,400 calories daily. And the weight loss has really been a result of being mostly good about food choices.

I really don't do fast food except in limited situations (as I eat Taco Bell for dinner). I am not perfect. I splurge regularly (like once a week on average). I do not exclude any food. I just eat less of my "problem" foods like chips, sweets, chocolates, cookies, cakes, butter, white bread and pasta, etc. And the result for me has been learning how to actually listen to my body about when I am hungry, when I am satiated, when I really want to indulge and when I just don't feel like eating if I splurged the day before for example.

I know that some people question for a moment whether or not I am going about it in a healthy way. And the truth is - I am doing this slowly and consistently and completely healthy. This means a lot to me since I spent 2-3 of my teenage years bingeing and purging after pretty much every meal. I was full-blown bulimic and I am sensitive to not returning to that way of thinking and behaving. And the reality is, I had gained so much weight in my years of marriage and raising my kids that I naturally have a lot to lose. As it stands right now, I weigh less than when I got pregnant with my first child but I am still heavier than when I got married and heavier than when I was in college, let alone high school.

I don't have a "target" weight that I am working toward. What I would like to achieve is making it into a "normal" weight range for my height and build. In a dream world I would like to wear a size 8, but a size 10 would be a-ok in my book. I just want to be healthy for me and I feel like it is possible now. I could not imagine it before but now I can. So, that's it. I have lost 30 lbs and I have never been more proud of myself for doing something that doesn't cost any extra money or program or special diet. I am proud of myself for doing something just for ME.

Today, I stepped on the scale and I weighed 166lbs and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing!