The Smallest I Have Ever Been

Life is full of ups and downs. And right now I am down to being the smallest I have ever been since maybe 6th grade. And saying that, along with celebrating that fact makes me feel strange. It makes me feel like I secretly have an eating disorder which I don't. I just feel that I continue to battle public opinion as much as I battle myself. I have never been the "skinny girl" and I am forced to wonder why I can't be considered the skinny girl when I have worked for it.

The reality of it for me today is that my 3 pairs of size 6 pants are the only ones that actually fit me well. All of my 8s are now too big. What?!?!?????

I cannot believe that this is the case, but it is. And I am ridiculously proud of myself for this accomplishment. I have worked hard to achieve this weight loss for the following reasons:

1) My mom is battling a recurrence of stage 4 ovarian cancer. This cancer can crop up looking like abdominal bloating, and if I can keep my weight down, I can monitor my body more closely and get checked out if I ever notice unexplained bloating.

2) I like being "thin" for myself! It's a lot of fun trying on clothes when you know that they will just fit.

3) I enjoy being a positive role model for others who are considering weight loss. It's powerful showing them a before/after shot to someone who us struggling.

4) I have done it all through healthy eating (no "diets") while I am busy as hell working a full-time job, working an additional 25 hours/wk for internship and also going to school for my Master's degree.

Re-training My Brain

I was conversing with my guy as I started the most recent weight loss attempt one day not long ago. He asked what my goal weight was. I refused to give him a number because I ultimately want to look and feel good in my own skin. This prompted a bit of a debate about how I would know I reached my goal if I didn't identify it and say it out loud. I told him I didn't have one and that I would simply know when I got there.

The truth is, I knew exactly what that number was. It was 140. That was my number, my goal weight, my desired destination. But for some reason I couldn't say it, wouldn't say it, and stood by my guns. I felt justified, and used the "I just want to look and feel good" card to get out of the conversation. In reality, I was afraid. I was afraid of speaking my goal in case I somehow couldn't, or wouldn't make it there. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid that my "never thin" genetics would literally prevent me from reaching that goal, or allow me to get to 135 which is my "fantasy" goal. 

During the conversation, I also brought up that I didn't want to lose too much because I didn't want to look like a bobble head, and when I lost weight before, people would comment that maybe I was getting too skinny, and one guy even told me I should gain 5-7 lbs. I tried convincing my guy that I just wouldn't look right if I lost "too much." Again, he challenged me, and said perhaps people had an idea of what I was supposed to look like based on the heavy Me, and that maybe their perception was a bit skewed. I politely agreed that it was possible although my brain didn't buy it. The outsiders were right, they knew best, and just because I took one photo in which I feel I looked a bit like a bobble head, I had proof that I shouldn't do more than achieve my goal of 140. Except that inside I actually wanted to make it down to 135.


What I have come to realize from that exchange, is that as much as the outside world's brains have been trained to see me in a certain way, my own brain is way worse! I see myself as always being the girl with the belly, who has to eat like a rabbit in order to keep the lbs away! I see myself as not having much upper body muscle definition, and I see myself staying in the 145-150 range.

The great part about this is that none of it is true! My brain has been conditioned to see things in a certain way predicated on the past, and really, I can chart my own future. So, today I choose to get rid of the chubby girl image in my brain, and take ownership for my goals and aspirations. Or in other words, excuse me, I am off to re-train my brain!

Night Out and Dialing It In

I thought I would post another current picture as it is my new favorite weight loss photo of myself. It was taken this past weekend as I was getting ready to go out for my sister's bachelorette party. I love the photo because I feel like it shows how happy, sexy and confident I feel right now!

So we had a great night out (although this mama was in bed by 1 am while everyone else painted the town). And now I am working on dialing my diet in again to try and meet my weight loss goal by the time I leave for my sister's wedding in 16 days. I started yesterday and I am going to at least try and lose 5 lbs in 17 days. I weighed in at 144.something yesterday and ate clean and within my calorie count of 1,200 calories. I was hopeful that today I would be down to 143 (I was already there last week before the festivities) but I was at 144.4 this morning. I am not terribly concerned about reaching 139, but I really would like to know that I can do it and I don't normally put time frames on my goals so we will see how it goes!

~C

Current Photo

Here's a now shot :)

Fast Forward 4.75 Years

Wow! I randomly decided to look back at the good ol' weight loss blog and compare/contrast to then vs now as I have gotten back on the proverbial weight loss wagon. I was pretty surprised to discover that my journey really began nearly 5 years ago. Here is what I posted on the very first day:

Welcome to Fuzzy Mints! This blog is a personal and honest journey of two moms working toward a healthier lifestyle.
As for me, I'm not a fan of words like diet, weight loss, can't eat that, no carbs, low carbs, skinny, fat, etc. I believe that as I make better choices for myself, I will naturally feel better and look healthier without the pressure to diet and lose weight.
With this in mind, I thought I would start out with a list of numbers:
195 - Current weight5'7" - height30 - age190 - highest weight during pregnancy2 - children6 -years of marriage9 - months I have been out of work
Ok, enough said about that!
~C

That was posted at a really tough time in my life and many things have changed since that first post. I am now 35 years old, 3.5 years into a job I really like, I am divorced, I am in a great love relationship, I am wrapping up my final year of my Master's program with a 4.0 GPA, and I am weighing in 50 lbs less than I was on that first posting day! Now, there have been ups and downs, and at one point a few months ago I had climbed up to 167 lbs which is what prompted the most recent weight loss focus. The great part of it for me is that because of my prior successes, I already know what to do to achieve the goals I have for myself. Prior successes definitely help with future goals. I don't have a fabulous photo to post right now but I may have to take one for compare/contrast purposes :).

It's funny to read how I plateaued before between 151 and 147 because I just got past a super struggle at that same exact point this time around. In fact, I have been in disbelief for 4 days now that the scale has consistently read 145. Now to stay on track and get down between 135-140 which is my current goal!

~C