I thought I would go in last night and take my first "baby step" on my path back to dance. Instead of timidly shuffling in, I leaped, pas de bourree'd and chasse'd my way to the front of the class. My old habits as a dancer were not going to be broken. I found myself jumping right in as the class did across-the-floor exercises and when it came to learning a combination, I was right up front. When the other students were standing off to the side, I continued moving and going over the steps.
I had a dance teacher growing up that pounded it into my head that no one is ever good enough to simply stand on the sidelines and hang out in a dance class. Your feet should be perpetually moving, you can always rehearse the movements, stretch, perfect a pirouette or add some attitude to the routine. When I was young this is what gave me an edge in a sea of competitive little girls with rock-solid technique and personality plus. As an adult, I probably came off as cocky, competitive and an attention-seeking show-off. In reality, I felt none of these things. Sure, I feel proud when a teacher asks if I had a lot of ballet training, or comments on my jazz technique, but those things are my security blanket in a new environment.
I was good once. But that was 15 years ago. That was before my belly had not only a lower "pouch" but also an upper one that I inherited when I was pregnant with my son 4 years ago. That was when I was 35lbs lighter than I am now. That was when I could do chaine turns until the cows came home in the morning and triple pirouettes repeatedly without breaking a sweat. Not anymore. I am lucky if I can link together three chaine turns in a row without experiencing vertigo that makes me ill and unable to see straight for a few minutes. Balance, what's that?
Last night I felt bad when the other women looked at me like they wondered who I thought I was coming into their class and stealing the proverbial spotlight. But I also felt more alive and excited than I have in a very long time. I did my best to be humble, friendly and approachable but my inner dancer has been longing for an outlet and I didn't feel like acting as if I couldn't do the things I can do. I want to not only come into class and do well for an "old lady," I want to get back some of the skill I once had which will require hard work and dedication. And as an adult who has spent too many years trying not to offend anyone, I know that this is one area that I need to do for me - regardless of what other people think. Because the truth is, I am not in the class to compare myself to anyone but me, and I have a long way to go!
~C
