Maintenance and Toning

Now that I have lost the bulk of the weight I feel needed to go, I am focused on maintaining what I have accomplished. Truthfully, I wouldn't mind losing a little more to help with my tummy which has always been my "trouble" area. I thought it was bad when I was young but then I had 2 kids and I would have to have surgery to correct a lot of the imperfections now. I am not a fan of plastic surgery so I will just have to do the best with what I've got! For a little while there I gained back about 5 lbs which stressed me out a bit. My personal limit on weight fluctuation is gaining 5 lbs so when that was staying on and not just water weight, I decided to buckle down and watch my caloric intake. I knew what to do, I had just gotten off the path for a while.

I am happy to report that I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 145.8 which was nice to see again. I am looking into toning exercises tonight that will help firm up my midsection and maybe I can make some progress in that area. The photos here were taken this morning before I was all ready for work. I was wearing my size 6 pants and felt especially skinny so I had a mini photo shoot with myself. I have never been so vain but it is fun when you like what you see in the mirror.

~C

Broken Scale and New Benchmark!

I have some good news and some bad news. The last post is entirely incorrect as a result of what I now know is a broken scale. I have only actually lost 50 lbs so far, and while I felt a little saddened for a moment, I stopped that crazy talk and went back to celebrating the fact that I have lost 50-freaking-pounds! And that's the bad news (which I really don't see as bad, per se). So, on to the good news . . .

I stopped at Ross after school today to try and find a pair of regular jeans, exercise pants and black work pants that actually fit since my size 10s are now way too big to wear. With this goal in mind, I piled the pants up high - some 10s, mostly 8s, and I accidentally grabbed a pair of size 6 pants and a size 6 skirt - each were improperly hung on size 8 hangers. I went to the dressing room and proceeded to pull on then pull off pair after pair of pants. They were all too big! All except for the two pairs of size 6s and they just weren't the right style and they were slightly snug.

Whoa!! Hold the presses - did I just type that I fit into a couple size 6s?!?!

Yes, folks. You read that correctly. I literally fit into a size 6 today. I had to go back out and comb through the 6s to find a pair of black work pants that fit and then collected another mountain of pants in smaller sizes until I found a pair of jeans that fit. Now, I would say my size is most accurately a size 7-8 but I purchased a size 6 pair of pants today that actually do fit me. I decided against the expensive size 6 jeans and opted for a juniors 9-10 that cost less and fit fine. So, with all of this in mind, I cannot believe that I reached the benchmark of fitting into a size 6, but I am also not afraid to wear a 9-10 in another brand.

And the crazy part of this is that I am not seeing much change on the scale. But I am doing Zumba twice per week and I honestly think that I must be building muscle and losing fat. This has been such a journey and I am constantly amazed at how good it feels to be taking care of myself and feeling good about myself again. It's been a very long time.

I Think I Broke My Plateau / Down 55? / New Benchmark

I had been stuck for a long while between 151 and 147 lbs, like for months. I had resolved myself to the fact that the scale probably wouldn't go much lower and really only wanted to see it dip to 146 so I could officially say I lost a full 50lbs. And then I took a Zumba class and my weight plummeted into the 130s. Say what?? As much as I wanted to believe it was that low, I had a very rough time imagining that I weighed myself Thursday morning and was 145.8 and then by Thursday night I was down to 140 and then 138 in the morning. But the crazy part is that it is now Saturday night and I am still weighing in at 140. Now I haven't gone so far as to replace the batteries in the scale (which might clear things up), but I think there may be some truth to where my weight is right now. I think I may have actually broken my plateau!!

This is significant for a few reasons. For one, it means I have actually lost 55 lbs since August 10, 2011. And the second reason is more emotional for me. When I was 15 or 16 I was severely bulimic and I remember stepping on the scale at home and I weighed 140 lbs. I distinctively remember my best friend's mom telling me how great I looked (her daughter was stick thin) and that I was able to wear this tight brown shirt that previously didn't look very good on me. I was sick. I did not see myself as I was and I battled my fear and loathing of food on a moment to moment basis. Now, as a fairly well-adjusted adult who has been married for 9 years and has given birth to two beautiful children, I weigh what I did back then. And I am no longer sick. I see myself truthfully when I look in the mirror. And my personal worth has absolutely nothing to do with the number on the scale.

That's something I am extremely proud of!

~C

New Milestone: DOWN 50!

Holy moly, I did it! On Thursday morning I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 145.8 lbs. I didn't think the day would ever come and yet here it is :). I am crazy excited to be able to share this accomplishment and I still am pinching myself that it is real. Not only that, but I went to Zumba on Thursday night and have weighed in really really low since - I think because my body is still in a sort of shock with the addition of exercise - or the scale is broken, but needless to say I am thrilled. The scale today showed 138 which I think is pretty much impossible so I am not counting it, but just seeing that number was weird. And this shift to losing weight again after a plateau is sort of new as well. I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. But for today I celebrate 50 lbs down!
~C

So close . . .

I stepped on the scale today and first was thrilled by what I saw but also felt a little taunted by the number looking back at me: 147. Holy freaking cow, I have actually solidly made my way into the 140s! And then the taunting part came when I realized that this means I have lost 49 lbs so far and I am so insanely close to hitting 50 lbs down that I am extremely antsy to see 146 looking back at me. What will that be like? I honestly might cry. This has been a long and exciting journey for me and it has taken a kind of dedication and motivation that I often forget I am capable of. On August 10, 2011 my mom posted some pictures of me on Facebook that made me mortified, sad and upset. I did not recognize the person in the photos and I instantly begged her to remove them from public view. Today I wish I could find the photos to share here so everyone can see what I am talking about - the official before photos that prompted me to take control of my personal addiction: food.

What a blessing those photos were. I might have just kept plugging along, unhappy and frustrated until I developed diabetes or suffered problems from high cholesterol and blood pressure. Thank goodness they made me as mad as they did. Perhaps I would still be battling with every bite I took. Thank goodness for these moments of clarity in life. I am more healthy and I can honestly say I love myself more now than ever before in my life. I feel empowered, I feel competent, I feel in control of my choices. These are the real blessings that I need to remember when I get anxious about milestones. I absolutely know that the achievement does not lie in the number on the scale, but in the behavioral transformation I have experienced. However, I would be a liar if I said I won't be over the moon to post when I consistently see 146 looking back at me. As Barney would say on the TV show How I Met Your Mother, "It'll be LEGENDARY!" In the meantime, cheers to being healthy and feeling good :).
~C

New Milestone: 45 lbs down!

I stepped on the scale a few days ago and saw 151.0 which puts me firmly at 45 lbs down from where I started at 196. We had a stomach bug that passed through everyone in the house so I am sure that had an effect but I am happy to see that number on the scale :). My mom starts chemo this week so it may not stay that low, but I am going to try and keep it there and stay on track. The picture above is from this weekend - I went to lunch with my mom (center) and my aunt (right).

~C

Bump in the Road AKA Life

It has been a while since I have posted so I thought I would type something up quickly before heading to bed. Just when I was doing great, dropping the weight fairly easily with just keeping track of calorie intake, I think I hit a plateau. Or maybe I just got tired of being so "good." But my weight has hovered between 153 and 156 for the past few weeks and I am not loving it. Then, last week life just happened. As in, unexpected, scary, emotional and stressful life. My mom went to urgent care with some stomach pain on a Friday night and by this time on Monday she was coming out of surgery with an 18' scar running up and down her abdomen and a diagnosis of Stage 3C ovarian cancer.

WTF?!?! My mom, indestructible, stubborn, strong, healthy, loving Mom. And now she has cancer and we are reeling from the news. I have a very tight knit family who came together instantly but the stress has settled in and I have really struggled this past week. Emotionally, mentally, physically and with the way I interact with food. Thank goodness my 98-yr-old great grandma has been keeping the church people at bay. I cannot afford to have a house full of calorie-laden casseroles calling my name. I am not very strong right now with willpower but I am trying to find it again. I do not want to return to where I started or anywhere in between for that matter. This is something I have worked very hard on and the last thing I need is to throw it all away.

Food won't take away my sadness, anger, frustration, exhaustion, stress, pain, or anguish. It won't take away her cancer either. I look at this as a true test of what I have learned over the past 7 months and how I can choose what foods, and how much of those foods, I consume. I am trying to go back to the basics and my new mantra for myself is, "I don't have to eat" when I feel the urge to snack, drink or overindulge when my body is actually not hungry at all. I have no intention to starve myself, but sometimes I think my body tells my mind that I MUST eat if I see something I want, no matter whether I am hungry or not and that just isn't true.

I know I don't have to eat if I don't want to or if I don't feel hungry.
~C

How I Feel About Losing Weight

'Nuff said.
~C

2 lbs up, 2 lbs down and H2O

This is the most common pattern I have seen over the weeks and months I have been watching what I eat. I will see a drop of 2 lbs and then the 2 lbs will return for a while, I will go down one, up one and then I will be back down the two. It's not a strictly linear pattern though that is what I expect many days. I feel grumpy when the number goes up and get excited when the number goes down. And in the end, as long as the trend is a downward trend then I think I am doing ok.

This week has been no different. I was at 153 last week and then I got up as high as 156 this week but this morning I was back down to 153. I realized that I have not been drinking enough water during the day and there is a part of me that resists drinking lots and lots of water because I feel like it will just make me weigh more. I know, this may sound silly but I think I have been doing this. So, yesterday I changed it up and drank a ton of water (probably 12 glasses total) and the next morning, that's when I was back to 153. Huh. Again, the "experts" are right and perhaps we do need more water. Needless to say, I am on the water bandwagon again.

We'll see how my body responds tomorrow . . .

~C

The Effects of Splurging

A couple days ago on Saturday, I went out for dinner and dancing with many dear friends of mine. Although I planned the event around my birthday, I was also celebrating my weight loss and how good I feel now. I stepped on the scale Saturday morning and I was at 153 lbs - 43lbs down since August 2011. I went shopping that morning looking for a party dress to wear out and I am solidly wearing a size 10. There was only one dress out of maybe 25 dresses that didn't fit well. In fact, I went back and took a look through the size 8s and I tried a couple dresses on and they fit! My crazy idea of wearing a size 8 is absolutely within my reach. I honestly don't think it's ridiculous for me to think I may even get to a point where I fit into a size 6.

And this has all been accomplished by watching what I eat. And I never go hungry. And I like eating the foods I eat now. And I like shopping now. And holy shit - I did it without any crazy diet, or pills or hormones, or pressure!!!

Now, on to the topic of this post - splurging and its effects. This weekend was a "splurge" weekend. I gave myself a free ticket to ride all weekend for my birthday celebration. And guess what? At dinner, I ended up ordering healthy (grilled Mahi Mahi, teriyaki veggies and some rice, a little artichoke dip for appetizer and 2 vodka cranberries), only ate about 3 bites of my brownie dessert and was so full that I was uncomfortable for the rest of the night. The next day we spent the day at my in-laws house and I munched all day long on everything terrible for me - cheese puffs, doritos, a mini cinnamon roll, diet soda and potato salad. Then we had dinner. I ate half of a cheeseburger, some more potato salad and 1/2 of a cupcake.

And today? I am freaking miserable. My body is not happy at all. I literally couldn't stomach eating "real" food for breakfast today. I drank a couple cups of coffee and then for lunch I went all out and had a Chobani yogurt and a slice of toast with a little butter and that was it. I had a banana for a snack later and then ate dinner which I regret. Hubby tried a recipe I found and it was terrible. Definitely not worth the effort to make it nor the calories consumed. It was relatively guilt free, half of a baked potato with a no-fat cream cheese and spinach filling with turkey bacon sprinkles. We also had some rotisserie chicken and mashed potatoes on the side to use the extra potato insides. The baked potato was devoid of flavor and my stomach just feels yucky now.

So my thoughts on splurging - I reserve the right to choose to splurge, but I actually don't like what happens with my body when I do. It makes me feel like crap. I'm not even worried about what it does to the number on the scale - I just don't like feeling icky. I listen to my body now and my body is happy that tomorrow is a new day and that salad is on the menu!
~C

Wedding Dress

Ok, so part of my goal for myself included getting into my wedding dress again and here are the pictures to prove it! :). Nine years and 2 kids later nonetheless!
~C

Goal Achieved!

Today is February 12th and on January 6th I set a goal for myself to lose 10 lbs in 5 weeks by my birthday, February 13th (that's a lot of numbers in one sentence lol). I weighed in at 164 then and yesterday I stepped on the scale and weighed 154! In fact, this morning, I weighed 153.8 but that probably won't be back again for a little while so I am sticking with 154. So, there it is. I did it! I set a goal and I achieved it. I am still in shock with the weight loss - it doesn't seem like it has been possible but clearly it has worked for me.

As for my goal of putting on my wedding dress and twirling around in it, I actually was able to do this a few weeks ago though the dress was pretty tight :). If I am not running too late in the morning, I will see if I can put it on again and snap a few photos to complete my challenge to myself.

~C

Pictures

It is my brother's birthday today so I was sure to get some pictures of me with them tonight since it really has been a while since I have had pictures taken. I was shocked to see how skinny I look in the photos. I need to stop stressing about the darn scale. The pictures were a definite reminder of how far I have come. Wow. What a journey.
~C

Love/Hate Relationships

I am having a love/hate relationship with the scale lately. It's really my own darn fault but it feels like I can't help it. I have seen the number go down to 155 which is great but it keeps creeping back up and I feel stuck right now at 156. I am still hoping that by Monday I can at least see 154 on the scale even if it goes away for a few days but there are no guarantees. I have learned a few things since setting my goal of 10lbs in 5 weeks. One thing is that I am much more conscientious with my food choices when I have a goal. This is a good thing most days. Another thing that I have learned is that when I have a goal, I expect the pounds to simply melt off and I expect to beat the goal instead of being content with being within a pound of it or possibly meeting the goal. This is where my frustration level increases way higher than it has been in the prior 5 months of weight loss. I want to see a lower number every time I step on the scale which is unrealistic. Especially when I just started my period, too.

So, after my month long goal-setting experience, I am going to try and take it a little easier and cut myself some slack. I don't like feeling frustrated with the weight loss. It is something that I should enjoy and not obsess over :). Perhaps easier said than done, but we will see. Maybe this is where I hit a plateau and need to step things up a notch to drop the last 15-20 lbs (in a dream world!). As for tomorrow, I am super excited to wear my new skinny jeans to work! I like enjoying little things like this.

~C

Working Out, Clothes Shopping and Wine

So, I thoroughly enjoyed Zumba this morning - what a fun time with super fun girls! I am, however, developing a slight complex about my workout expressions. Apparently I am quite expressive. My friend laughed about it and the owner of the studio said she wanted to get me on video to post online since I was smiling the entire class hahaha. I don't think I will be volunteering for this honor anytime soon, but I think it works a bit in my favor in the case they were watching to see how I might be as an instructor in class. I had sort of figured I wouldn't be teaching anytime soon based on my limited availability, etc. but now I am thinking about it more and more. I really DO love working out and moving my body. It fulfills a need inside of me that hasn't been addressed in a long time now. We'll see.

On a related note, I decided to drop in to a gym where my friend said they were looking for fitness instructors. The last time I was there, I missed the owner but today she was there. I spent a while talking to her about my personal trials and tribulations these past few years and then told her how I had recently lost 40 lbs. Without exercise. She seemed pretty impressed that I had been able to achieve this with just diet alone. She recommended adding in weight training to increase my body's natural ability to burn calories. I know this is something that would be very beneficial, I am just not sure it is in the budget right now. Again, we'll see. They have a free class option as well so I might drop in and try it out to see if we might be a good fit somehow. Look at all these possibilities - what a surreal situation I find myself in . . .

After Zumba Toning, I went to a local healthy cafe in my neighborhood to have a little bite to eat with my friend. I enjoyed some toast with almond butter and fresh jam with a cappuccino. Deelish! After lunch, I went shopping at Ross. I probably shouldn't have, but I did anyway. Holy moly, I am solidly wearing a size 10 in pants and can fit into medium size shirts for the most part as well. Going from wearing a size 16 pants and extra large shirts, I consider this to be pretty major for me. Woo hoo! $80 later, I have several new shirts, a pair of skinny jeans and a pair of work pants. I cannot believe how fun shopping has become. This is definitely dangerous.

And now I sit here, enjoying a glass of wine and watching a movie with my sweetheart. Good night world!

~C

Zumba Time!

I am super excited for tomorrow - a couple of girls from work are going to join me for a Zumba class at my friend's brand new studio in Phoenix! It has been a loooong time since I have exercised more than walking during breaks at work. I am a little nervous about being out of shape cardiovascularly but I am so happy to support my dear friend in her fitness studio adventure. I will get to wear my "skinny" workout clothes tomorrow too - all of the old ones don't fit anymore :). Wish me luck as I Zumba some calories away!

New Benchmark: Down 40 Lbs

Ok, so it may not appear again tomorrow, but I officially stepped on the scale and am down 40lbs! I weighed in at 156.6 this morning and I am ecstatic!!! I even ate pizza yesterday which I don't do very often and boy, I enjoyed every last bite :). That means I have lost 4-5 lbs in the last 2 weeks which is about right. I am losing the weight a bit faster since I set the goal for myself and I think it is as a result of splurging less and keeping on track more. With a goal in mind, I seem to be more conscientious about each bite I take and I am able to resist the splurging because I really want to see where I can end up by my birthday on February 13th which is just about 2 weeks away. If I continue at the current rate, I might be closer to 150 than 155 upon my birthday weigh in. What a journey this has been . . .

~C

Before and After

I always love seeing Before and After photos of people who have lost a lot of weight. It is sometimes hard to keep up the motivation when it seems like the weight loss takes FOR-EVER. And as this is an anonymous blog, sort of, I am hesitant to include such photos of myself. However, in an attempt to show the progress from close to day 1 and now, I am posting a few before and after photos. I would include some "progression" photos but the truth is, I have completely avoided the camera for a very long time until now. Tonight my daughter turned 6 and I thought it would be appropriate to have a photo of the "now" since my moment of "clarity" happened when I saw a photo of myself at my stepdaughter's 16th birthday 5 months ago. I have come a very long way since that photo. In fact, I have shed 39lbs of myself since August 10th and I am not afraid of the camera anymore. Here you go:

BEFORE - taken around 2/2010 (after first starting the blog) approx 195 lbs I am in green and below taken around 3/2011

NOW - Taken today, 1/25/2012 - 157lbs

~C

Interesting Weight Loss Tidbits

A co-worker of mine has also experienced a large weight loss in the past 5 or 6 months. I have been lucky to have someone to talk to on a daily basis as we have both been losing weight. We talk quite frequently about it and there are several funny things we have observed. Here are a few of the funny, weird and unexpected effects of weight loss that we have noticed:

1) Our shoes don't fit anymore. Who knew that we carry weight in our feet?! Well, except when pregnant. I was wearing size 10 shoes and have been able to fit into size 9s. Many of my size 10s literally won't stay on my feet. This has also been noticed by my co-worker.

2) I have lost weight in my NOSE. Seriously, I'm not making this up. There is this little spot at the end of my nose that indents slightly where it did not before. My co-worker has a nose ring and she has been complaining for some time now about how her jewelry doesn't fit right anymore. Nose weight - who would've guessed??

3) People who say that "you'll have more energy" when you lose weight are actually right. This one probably shouldn't surprise me but it does. I literally feel like going out dancing every day. I have just started walking around the building with a friend on breaks and I seriously want to start running. In a skirt. In front of all of the smokers. But I manage to refrain. The desire still exists though . . .

4) I sort of hate that these things are true, but here they are: As I have lost weight, I have experienced a huge increase in confidence, sexuality, happiness and self esteem. I am more social, less timid and people react differently to me. It seems superficial, but I also think that when we take care of ourselves (whether it is in the weight category or stress relief or educational category, etc) we experience these benefits.

And my final thought for the night revolves around a strange thing I have been experiencing over the past 4 or 5 days. The strange thing is that I am just not feeling hungry lately. It's not that I don't let myself eat or I try to convince myself that I am not hungry, I just do not feel hungry. And food just doesn't interest me much. I have to consciously think about what I have eaten and make sure that I am eating something at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's definitely not "normal" for me. Although it makes me think of people like my husband and other "thin" built people who say that they have to remind themselves to eat, or they simply forget to eat. I can honestly say that I have never, ever, experienced this for myself unless I was suffering from a stomach flu. I don't know what is causing this and I will continue to pack my lunches and snacks and make meal plans, but perhaps this is a natural way of my body directing me to what it really needs. Or it could be bad. I don't know what to think about it. I am very conscientious so it won't be ignored but it is an interesting experience for me.

~C

Here's to Hitting "Healthy" BMI

I did it! I am officially considered a "healthy" weight based on the BMI chart for my height. I weighed in today at 158.8 and am below the threshold of overweight. This is definitely a major accomplishment for me and I couldn't be happier. As I mentioned in my last post, I feel emotional about this weight loss. I have always felt like I was a person at the mercy of food and I never knew how to have a good relationship with food. I used it to fill voids in my life and I told myself that I couldn't change that relationship, that it was just how I was. I literally did not know that the relationship could be different. I didn't know that I could change the relationship all by myself, but I have done it.

So, today I am celebrating "healthy." Cheers!

New Benchmark 35 down

Okey dokey, so when I created my challenge for myself, I said I wanted to be at 155 lbs by February 13th which would mean 10 lbs (technically 9 lbs) down from where I was then. I am on track to accomplish this goal as I stepped on the scale this morning and was firmly at 161.0lbs (I was at 164 when I set the goal). So I have lost 3 lbs in 10 days and should be good to lose another one within the next 3 or 4 days as long as I stay on track. Woo hoo!

And there is something else that is very exciting to me as I approach the day when I step on the scale and see another number - 159. When I hit magic number 1-5-9, I will officially be within the "healthy" range for my height according to BMI tables!! I literally cried when I told my mom how close I am. I can't believe that at the beginning of all of this I was in the obese category for my height and I am now within striking distance of "healthy." It is unbelievable to me that I have been able to do this all by watching what I eat. It seems too simple. Too good to be true. Looking back, it seems like it all happened over night but the reality is that this has been a victory that has been won week by week, pound by pound, over the course of 5 long months. I have had to work at this every day for these 5 months. And I plan on continuing to work on this. It feels good to feel good again. I didn't realize what an emotional journey this would be for me - especially as I look forward to 159. Healthy. For the first time in maybe 8 years? I can't wait :o).

Recipes I Want to Try

I didn't know where else to save these so I thought I would post them here :). I am also watching an interesting Netflix video called Fork Over Knife tonight which is really making me reconsider my intake of animal products like milk and meat. I am not sure how I would implement a highly vegetarian diet but I am finding myself thinking less about calorie count and more about overall nutrition. I have added more fiber to my diet - I realized I was not as "regular" as I had been and realized I was missing out on important fiber consumption.

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2012/01/sweet-and-fiery-pork-tenderloin-with.html#more

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/11/sauteed-brussels-sprouts-with-pancetta.html

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2008/05/grilled-pineapple-2-pts.html

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/11/roasted-parmesan-green-beans.html

~C

New Goal for Myself: 10 lbs in 5 weeks

Since I started losing weight, I haven't actually made any specific goals for myself. I felt like it was probably best to simply make good choices, keep the pressure low for myself and see how things went. Five months later and 32 lbs lighter, I am ready to set a goal. On February 13th, I will turn 33 years old and I can think of nothing more exciting than being able to step into my wedding dress and be able to zip it up and twirl around! I weighed 155 when I got married and wore a size 10. I am not that far off, and if I stay focused, I don't see why I can't make it happen. So, we'll see what happens - maybe I will reach the goal and maybe it will be an epic fail. One way or another, it ought to be interesting to see how I do!

Wish me luck :o)

~C