A Confession . . . Please Don't Tell My Husband

Ok, so as I have been losing weight my husband has repeatedly asked if he should be "worried" about my new interest in my physical appearance. In every article that talks about signs of cheating in a marriage, sudden weight loss/renewed focus on appearance is always one of the signs. And I have repeatedly maintained that the only person I am losing weight for is ME. Which is completely true. 100%. I am not losing weight for anyone else - you could say I have started a love affair with myself again and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon!

However, I would be disingenuous if I didn't acknowledge that I do enjoy the new attention I have received from people at work. Men and women. I like it when people notice that I am looking better and dressing nicer. I like actually feeling like I am attractive to men again. It had been so crazy long since I had been hit on, I forgot what that felt like. As I type this, I feel silly. It sounds like I am getting hit on all the time or something and that's not true. There have been a few instances but the funny thing is, I don't think the guys even realize that I have lost weight. Which brings me to my most recent re-revelation: most men are mindless puppets, cued in almost exclusively to women's physical appearance. It's obnoxious. They never would have showed any interest when I weighed more but now suddenly I am worthy of attention? And I would wager that as I lose more weight, I will become more interesting to them.

So there it is, that's my confession. I like the attention but I feel like I am 16 again, enjoying attention from boys but knowing that the only thing that has "earned" me their attention is my physical appearance. And funny enough, at the end of the day, it makes me appreciate, love and respect my husband even more. He loved me when I was thinner, when I was bigger, the way I am right now and whatever way I end up. I know this won't change. Our love has a foundation that goes far beyond physical appearance and society's standards of "beauty." We legitimately share a love that other people would give everything to have and it's not something I would trade in for empty attention, ever.

~C

New Number . . . 10

Just before Christmas I actually made it down 32 lbs (woefully I have gained 2 lbs back but boy the holiday treats were good! :) ). While I was out Christmas shopping, I stopped at Ross to pick up a couple of things. I looked through the jeans, hoping to find another pair and I ended up taking a size 10 and a size 12 into the dressing room. I decided to try on the size 10 first and miraculously the jeans fit! Now I am sure that not every pair of 10s would fit, but I am pretty stoked about the new size. Now, back on track after the holiday!

~C

30 Pounds Down

Seriously - I am shocked. I never imagined that I would be able to accomplish losing 30 lbs in 4 1/2 months. I keep expecting to hit a plateau and become stuck without adding exercise to my weekly routine. But so far, the weight loss is a direct result of watching my food intake. That's it. I didn't count calories in the beginning because that was too much for me to think about when I was trying to make such a big change in how I was eating. I simply chose foods that I knew were higher in protein, and overall lower in calories, sugar and fat. As I have progressed, however, it has become easier for me to actually research caloric intake and figure that I can safely lose 1-2 lbs per week by consuming between 1,200 and 1,400 calories daily. And the weight loss has really been a result of being mostly good about food choices.

I really don't do fast food except in limited situations (as I eat Taco Bell for dinner). I am not perfect. I splurge regularly (like once a week on average). I do not exclude any food. I just eat less of my "problem" foods like chips, sweets, chocolates, cookies, cakes, butter, white bread and pasta, etc. And the result for me has been learning how to actually listen to my body about when I am hungry, when I am satiated, when I really want to indulge and when I just don't feel like eating if I splurged the day before for example.

I know that some people question for a moment whether or not I am going about it in a healthy way. And the truth is - I am doing this slowly and consistently and completely healthy. This means a lot to me since I spent 2-3 of my teenage years bingeing and purging after pretty much every meal. I was full-blown bulimic and I am sensitive to not returning to that way of thinking and behaving. And the reality is, I had gained so much weight in my years of marriage and raising my kids that I naturally have a lot to lose. As it stands right now, I weigh less than when I got pregnant with my first child but I am still heavier than when I got married and heavier than when I was in college, let alone high school.

I don't have a "target" weight that I am working toward. What I would like to achieve is making it into a "normal" weight range for my height and build. In a dream world I would like to wear a size 8, but a size 10 would be a-ok in my book. I just want to be healthy for me and I feel like it is possible now. I could not imagine it before but now I can. So, that's it. I have lost 30 lbs and I have never been more proud of myself for doing something that doesn't cost any extra money or program or special diet. I am proud of myself for doing something just for ME.

Today, I stepped on the scale and I weighed 166lbs and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing!

Personal Victory - Down 25 Lbs!

I technically "hit" this number last week but then it went away while I struggled for a few days. But today it was back, and my (recently purchased) size 14 pants were noticeably bigger, making me giddy with excitement. Losing weight makes me feel so good. I am more confident, more sociable, more stylish and I feel like I am more in control of my life.

And speaking of pants, my mom (who has also gone through a big weight loss) handed down a few pairs of pants that she thought I might be able to use. There were a few size 14s and a size 12. I had to give her the 14s back because they just looked too baggy all over and I was able to keep the slightly snug but very wearable size 12s which actually fit my legs and butt (my waist is my worst area). And a couple weeks ago I bought a pair of size 12 jeans (which I think run big) and they are now almost too baggy to wear! It's crazy.

I am praying for restraint when it comes to Turkey Day this week. Heaven knows I have not eaten like that for a long time and it's a calorie nightmare for anyone watching their waistline. Wish me luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

~C

Chomping at the Next Benchmark

I have become so accustomed to watching the number on the scale get smaller and smaller that I get more and more anxious to hit the next benchmark as the weight comes off. This whole week I can't stop thinking about hitting the "25 lbs down" mark. This afternoon I weighed in at 172 - 24 lbs down and I am thinking tomorrow may be the day. Honestly, I cannot believe that I have been able to get this far all from simply being conscientious about my food intake.

With this in mind, I am also very cognizant of doing this in a healthy way. I spent several years as a teenager binging and purging several times a day in an effort to control my weight. I never ever want to find myself in a warped mindset like that. I want this to be a life change, not a diet, without telling myself I "can't" eat something or I'm not "allowed" to indulge on occasion.

I read about homeostasis in my Human Growth and Development class where the body naturally tries to maintain an individual's "ideal" body weight. I don't think I have ever given my body a chance to do this. I have always been in conflict with food and I am thoroughly enjoying not feeling as if I am a slave to food. The more I do this, the easier it becomes and the less time I spend thinking about food.

I'll be sure to post when I actually hit the 25 lb mark. And the one last comment for the night is how irritating it is to see my hubby dropping weight like crazy without even thinking about it. It's good for him too, but it doesn't seem fair! :)

~C

Up and Down Again

I hit the 20 lb mark and then Halloween happened. Too many treats for me and I went up a little, but after getting back on track I am down another 2 lbs so 22 total now. It may be difficult to continue to lose over the holidays but I'm sure as hell gonna try! In theory, if I lost 2 lbs per week until my birthday on Feb 13th, I could be down to 148 lbs. That would be insane. And even if I only lost one lb per week, I could be down to 160 which would put me into the "normal" weight category according to the BMI tables for the first time since college. I would be on the cusp between normal and overweight, but "normal" nonetheless.

Cheers to lofty goals and pants that are getting bigger and bigger on me everyday. Not to mention another body part that I never thought would have been affected: my feet. I had gotten up to a size 10 in most shoes and now a lot of those shoes are not fitting very well - this is a development I'm not as thrilled about - I just recently bought several pairs of darling shoes ;o).

One last thing I can't wait for: to see my friend Jen who has no idea I have secretly been shedding the extra weight. She's going to be shocked!

~C

Personal Victory - Down 20!!

I have 2 minutes until a morning meeting at work but wanted to post that this morning I stepped on the scale and saw 175 . . . Technically 21 but that usually fluctuates so I'm counting it as 20. That's whay I'm smiling today :).

~C

A Few Things That I'm Doing

Hey M - so I thought I would post some of the things I am doing that seem to be working for me since you mentioned it in your last post and I think it's good to have it down on proverbial "paper" so I know what I did this time around that worked:

• I keep my breakfast simple and usually eat a lot of the same thing until I get tired of it and then I change it up. Right now my breakfast is the single-serving Greek yogurts (I like Chobani and Fage - low cal, low carb and high protein). I usually also have a banana for a snack before lunch. Other breakfast faves include 2 hard-boiled eggs with a banana for snack and cottage cheese with a spoonful of jam and an apple with 1-2 Tbsp of peanut butter for snack. Oh and I often drink redbull in the morning - a total treat (read addicition) for me. If no Redbull, then definitely coffee with frou frou creamer and sugar.


• Lunch - again pretty simple. If I am being really good, I make myself a large salad with a lot of rotisserie or grilled chicken (I allow myself as much grilled or rotisserie chicken as I want) with extra veggies that I have on hand for variety. Most importantly, I am picky about the dressing - my fave three are Gerard's Light Champagne, Maple Groves Citrus, or self-made oil and balsamic vinegar blend. If I am in a rush, I will take 2 pieces of bread and a jar of jam and make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a piece of fruit.


• Dinner - I love grilled chicken, grilled thin steaks, kabobs, rotisserie chicken, steamed veggies and rice. I don't deny myself food ever! I just try to be smart about what I am choosing - especially thinking about portions. Tonight I had pizza and it was brilliant - I just don't eat pizza all the time :).

I haven't started exercising regularly again yet, but that will come soon! Keep up the good work and I just remind myself that I get to make the decision with every meal and every snack. And for me, the number decreasing on the scale week after week is a big motivator for me. You can definitely do it - just start making changes that you feel you can do comfortably and then add new things here and there. It's all about how you think about it - once your head is there, the decisions get easier to make :).

Benchmark: Down a pants size!

It's late Sunday night and I started a ridiculous job - getting all of the laundry done for my entire family. Right now I am waiting patiently for the dryer to buzz so I can switch loads and crawl up to bed. But before I call it a night I thought I would blog for a minute about my latest benchmark for me on this weight-loss adventure.

First, I had gained so much weight before that my "big" clothes didn't fit anymore. I started losing weight and the clothes started fitting again. I have been patiently waiting for the clothes to actually be too big and/or be able to wear a size smaller. Well, over the weekend I took a daring trip to Kohl's and Ross and bought a pair of size 14 work pants as well as a pair of size 14 jeans that are actually a little big in the waist but they didn't have a 12 and they fit ok everywhere else. Holy moly! I actually had fun shopping. I honestly can't remember the last time I went shopping and didn't feel like crying when I carried my mountain of clothes in with me only to give the girl at the counter everything back when nothing at all looked good.

And on Friday this week, my husband actually laughed at me (in a good way) when I was putting the kids to bed and my pants started falling down. It's weird, too, because I feel smaller in my clothes. I am definitely liking this.

I am on my way to my next benchmark of losing 20 lbs. As of this morning, I weighed in at 178.8 which I would consider 179 so I am at 17 lbs down total and I can't wait to hit 20 :).

On the road..but heading uphill...I think I can, I think I can...

Oh goodness. Is it Monday already? I'm so not looking forward to another week of watching what I eat. It's so hard. I just came off a heavy meal on Sunday (Canadian Thanksgiving...hence, same holiday, same 800 calorie meal in one sitting and same leftovers haunting me today!). The trouble is this week, I just feel bloated and fat. My clothes are tight, I have antoher migraine and I'm just lacking energy. This is despite my mad dash into Starbucks at 2:30 this afternoon to get my daily jolt. Somehow the jolt part was missing in my latte! I could blame it on the scorching weather that is still upon us here in the Valley of the Sun - or perhaps I'm just not watching what I eat well enough and sneaking in things like bacon and peanut butter need to stop?! Argh. This is not easy. Or is it?

I'm not ignorant - I know it gets easier but right now I'm still in the "this sucks" mode. I so desparately want to be in the "I can do this" mode. It's way too early to be in the "it's second nature" mode - that hopefully will come around this time next year. Alas, it is only Monday and if I can be vigilant Mon-Thurs, then I can enjoy my weekends with my family and not be as cautious about my consumption. We'll see. I may invest in a bumper sticker that says "I Diet for the Weekends"!

C - are you out there? Hope you achieve another loss this week - if you do, I may just need your help coaxing me off this cliff and sharing some advice! Here's a question - how much does it cost to wire your jaw shut for two weeks?! :) I'll go and Google it!

Benchmark: Down 15 Pounds!

So, I just checked my email and I am so happy to have my friend M back on the blog! As we both know, every journey begins with one step and being on day 4 is great. Maybe not fun, but I know for me it's the habit of making choices that is the toughest part of creating a new routine. And like I re-read from earlier posts, even if I have an off weekend, I can get back on the wagon and still remain on track. Welcome back, M!!

Because I'm at lunch and am pressed for time, I will keep this short and sweet. Yesterday and today I have officially reached and maybe surpassed my next benchmark - I am now down 15 (or 16) pounds!!! For the first time in more than 2 years I stepped on the scale and saw 180.4 staring up at me, smiling :). My clothes are just now starting to feel a little big - still size 16 but I'm getting there . . .
~C

On the road again...

Michelle here. It's been awhile. I'm actually humming Willie Nelson as I type this. I get all the email posts that are related to this blog so it tells me that my dear friend and fellow working mom Candice is back in the saddle again! So, perhaps, I too should take a cue from her and get started on a path (back) to wellness. I started this pale attempt on Monday. Today is Thursday. This morning I ripped open my third bag of raw spinach, packed my third salad for the week and already I'm exhausted. I know the trick is to not get bored of food and dieting but easier said than done I say. So, I'm sitting here at lunch wondering how I'm going to get through another cup of the green stuff. Don't get me wrong - it's not healthy. I added bacon (ok...turkey bacon!), an egg (it's incredible and edible!) and it's covered in Fresh & Easy Balsamic dressing which adds a nice 16g of fat. Oh, and I just saw the 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar that I added for color (yeah...color, that's it!). So again...now you know why I said the attempt was pale. But, it's a start. And this blog post after a looooong absence is just that...a start. Granted, we all know that history repeats itself so hopefully I'll keep posting but we also know that we learn from our past and can do better the next time 'round. This time, I'm hoping I learn not to give up so easily (it's only day 4!!!) and that there is another lunch option besides spinach! I also know one person who will be reading this blog will be my friend Candice and she could use some company. Perhaps she's been lonely up here blogging and venting by herself. Now, us moms can find support (again) in each other.

I've yet to be adventurous and step on a scale so no countdown for me just yet . But I can tell you my clothes still feel the same so it's going to be a long and winding road ahead of me. I guess that means I should keep humming along to good ol' Willie....so here it goes, on the road again....just can't wait to get back on the road again....

~Michelle

Over-Full

This weekend my sister was in town from California. Two days before she arrived, the stress had already begun to swell. My kids bugged me about when she would be here, my mom asked if I had talked to her and knew what her plans were, my husband had already decided it would be a "Charlie Foxtrot" of a weekend and I just wanted everybody to stop asking me what was going on. Somehow being the oldest of the four siblings means that I am the decision-maker and liaison between everyone. And commensurate with this role, I am irritating to everyone when I cast the deciding vote on plans that no one can decide on. I am criticized for taking on the role, chastized for not knowing what the plans are and then get the "roll of the eyes" when I become too bossy.

This weekend was no different and at the end of the 2 days, I am emotionally exhausted, frustrated and barely on speaking terms with my hubby. Great. Awesome. Fucking annoying.

And along with the stress, I face my personal demon: food. More specifically, eating bad stuff in high quantities to buffer my stress levels. It never serves me but I do it anyway and tonight after 2 days of not eating well, I am over-full and wishing I could go back and have a weekend food re-do. While I can't actually turn back the clock, I can choose not to eat anything more tonight and to make better choices tomorrow. This is just a momentary detour - not a pit stop.

Wish me luck as I go back to "normal" tomorrow.

~C

School, Stress and Down 2 More Pounds

It's been a little while since I have posted but a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I started a Master's program, I visited my sister in California and I am down 2 more pounds! Woo hoo!! I am very excited about this and it just helps me keep my motivation when I feel like nothing is happening and my weight is just staying the same.

Stress is a major trigger for overeating for me and traveling always gives me an excuse to go off the wagon, so stepping on the scale last night and seeing the same number I saw before I left for California makes me very excited. And this morning, I saw a number I haven't seen in a very long while. So . . . I am now down to 183. I am 13 lbs lighter than I was about 6 weeks ago. And the 182.8lbs this morning was pretty awesome :).

~C

One Foot In Front of the Other

I thought I would go in last night and take my first "baby step" on my path back to dance. Instead of timidly shuffling in, I leaped, pas de bourree'd and chasse'd my way to the front of the class. My old habits as a dancer were not going to be broken. I found myself jumping right in as the class did across-the-floor exercises and when it came to learning a combination, I was right up front. When the other students were standing off to the side, I continued moving and going over the steps.

I had a dance teacher growing up that pounded it into my head that no one is ever good enough to simply stand on the sidelines and hang out in a dance class. Your feet should be perpetually moving, you can always rehearse the movements, stretch, perfect a pirouette or add some attitude to the routine. When I was young this is what gave me an edge in a sea of competitive little girls with rock-solid technique and personality plus. As an adult, I probably came off as cocky, competitive and an attention-seeking show-off. In reality, I felt none of these things. Sure, I feel proud when a teacher asks if I had a lot of ballet training, or comments on my jazz technique, but those things are my security blanket in a new environment.

I was good once. But that was 15 years ago. That was before my belly had not only a lower "pouch" but also an upper one that I inherited when I was pregnant with my son 4 years ago. That was when I was 35lbs lighter than I am now. That was when I could do chaine turns until the cows came home in the morning and triple pirouettes repeatedly without breaking a sweat. Not anymore. I am lucky if I can link together three chaine turns in a row without experiencing vertigo that makes me ill and unable to see straight for a few minutes. Balance, what's that?

Last night I felt bad when the other women looked at me like they wondered who I thought I was coming into their class and stealing the proverbial spotlight. But I also felt more alive and excited than I have in a very long time. I did my best to be humble, friendly and approachable but my inner dancer has been longing for an outlet and I didn't feel like acting as if I couldn't do the things I can do. I want to not only come into class and do well for an "old lady," I want to get back some of the skill I once had which will require hard work and dedication. And as an adult who has spent too many years trying not to offend anyone, I know that this is one area that I need to do for me - regardless of what other people think. Because the truth is, I am not in the class to compare myself to anyone but me, and I have a long way to go!

~C

Dance Attack

I want to dance again. I need to dance again. I will dance again.

Screw the weight, screw the excuses, screw the age and the lack of flexibility. That has all got to go. It doesn't serve me. When I started at the fitness studio I most recently taught at and took classes, I had fun. But I wasn't challenged in the way I wanted to be challenged. I can take any Zumba class and burn calories but it takes skill and finesse to actually dance and make it look good.

I have found a studio in my area that offers an adult technique class followed by a traditional jazz class on Monday nights. I mustered up the courage and ambition to try it out on Monday this week only to get there and find out it was canceled. That sucked but I will be back next week - gussied up and ready to give a shot again.

I'll let you know how this turns out as the adventure begins!

~C

Benchmark: 10 Lbs Down!

So, the other day I weighed myself and it showed 186 but then it was several days again before the number showed back up. Yesterday, however, the happy number was back and I did a little happy dance for myself. I reached a benchamrk yesterday of losing 10 lbs. Yippee! Woo hoo! Thank heavens for small miracles. Or big ones as I consider the loss of 10 lbs to be a pretty awesome accomplishment.

While I have a long way to go and I know I cannot do it with diet alone, I am stoked to be here rather than at 196lbs like I was a few weeks ago.

As of today, I can say that eating healthy is getting much more enjoyable and I am finding it much easier to resist the temptation of sweets, treats and chips a few weeks into this new way of doing things for myself.
~C

My Slice of Time

Today I am feeling excited. I have realized some weight loss which makes me feel great, and I will now have about a half an hour each day that I can dedicate to blogging. With three kids, a husband and a full-time job, there isn't a lot of time left for me during the day. It's easy to lose sight of yourself when you don't have a slice of time to reflect on your own thoughts, feelings, hopes, plans and goals.

This week marked the first week that my family will all be carpooling to work and school together in one care in the morning. You see, my job is within 4 miles of my husband's work, we chose a school for my daughter that is also within 4 miles of his work and my son's babysitter is also within the same distance. With busy schedules we felt it was important to eek out as much time together as we can - even if it is in the car. It means we pay less in gas, there is less wear and tear on our already beat-up cars and we chat about our day to and from work. It also means I get to work 30-45 minutes early and stay about 15 minutes late. Hence the "me" time.

It has been some time since I have spent time writing. I miss it. I want to regain my confidence in putting the figurative pen to the figurative paper. When I lost my job as a copywriter due to budget cuts, I was glad to have the break. My job at the company was about me attempting to mold my own writing style to someone else's and that wasn't very much fun. I grew to resent writing and found that I second-guessed every word I wrote. Now I am free. I can spew stream-of-consciousness babble or I can be short, sweet and concise. Looks like today is more along the lines of stream-of-consciousness.

~C

Stats:

No weigh in this morning - coffee with creamer and sugar, organic granola bar and half a banana for breakfast.

Under the Radar

I am losing weight again but this time it's under the radar. I'm not talking about it much to anyone - I'm tired of talking it up and gaining it all back. As I mentioned in my last post, things have been pretty intense and today is quite a bit different and not so different all at the same time.

At this juncture I have lost my home, hubby and I are in the midst of a bankruptcy, I am still living with my mom and my family, I am no longer teaching fitness classes but I have acquired full time work. Oh and hubby is also in a new job which is the best job he's ever had. My daughter started kindergarten 3 weeks ago and my son is in full time childcare. We are in the process of turning things around but it's an uphill climb.

Once I started working at a full-time, high-intensity desk job again, I started gaining the weight back. I've been in my new job for 5 months now and I am ready to look like "myself" again.

About 2 weeks ago my 16-yr-old stepdaughter had a birthday and during the festivities my mom began snapping away with her digital camera. Later that night, she posted the photos on Facebook for the whole world to enjoy. Well, when I was clicking through the photos, I was mortified. I was embarrassed by every single picture of me. I am not kidding when I say I literally did not recognize myself. The person in the pictures did not look like me at all. I had to ask my mom to delete or crop me out of all of the photos I was in.

It was that night that made me realize that I have been carrying around a whole lot of "me" that I do not need. I don't have to look like that anymore. I can lose the luggage, get rid of the junk in the trunk, take off my "winter" coat. I know I can lose this weight and keep it off - my weight does not define who I am just like the amount of money in my bank account has no bearing on my self worth. I have learned these things on my journey and I am on the path to putting what I have learned into practice for myself.

With this in mind, here is a breakdown as to where I am at right now and where I was about 2 weeks ago:

~C

Age: 32

Weight 2 weeks ago: 196

Weight today: 186 (2 weeks and 10 lbs!!)

Realistic goal: 160

Ideal goal: 150

How I am doing it: watching what food I put in my mouth

Exercise: Currently - none (but this will change soon)

Food and Me - Back at it Again

It's been nearly a year since I have posted and a whole hell of a lot has happened since then. My hubby was laid off, I found a fitness studio that I love, I am in the process of losing my home, I have moved back into my mom's house with my family (1 hubby, 3 kids, a dog and me), my hubby has gotten another job, I still don't have full-time work, I'm now a fitness instructor at said studio and my weight is close to what is was when I posted last.

I suppose it's good that I'm not back at 195 again, but I'm still holding on strong at 188 or 189. And with the added physical exercise, I shouldn't be keeping this weight on. I know that I am overeating. I am eating too many times a day and often making poor food choices. So, here I am, back at this again. I need to reign it in again and this time at least I am active. I want to feel better, I want to look better. I don't want to avoid sex because I feel fat and unsexy.

Today is a new day!

Breakfast: cottage cheese with jam, 1 cup sweet coffee